Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize