my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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