I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
