My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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