i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize