I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
