a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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