dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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