The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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