Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
