I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
