Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize