so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
