Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
