guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize