Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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