I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
