I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize