Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
