just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
