i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
