Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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