the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
