Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
