just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
