Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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