I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize