Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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