You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
