All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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