hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
FUCK WHALES
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
