Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize