Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize