I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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