In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
