I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
