You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
