sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
