hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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