The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
