i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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