Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
