I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
