Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize