I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
