also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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