My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
