Kiss
Puke
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
