you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
In America we eat man semen.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
