god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
