party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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