Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
