Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize