My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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