you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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