Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
