I'm so fucking centered right now
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You have to summon your inner elephant
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
